I’m sure you’ve heard people talk about closure before, especially after a failed relationship (breakfast). People often say, “I need to get closure.” The real question is, What is closure, really?
Closure is that sense of release, inner peace or understanding that you derive from accepting that a relationship is over. As simple as it may seem, it is easier said than done because what most people do not realize is that closure has more to do with you than the other person. It’s like an emotional resolution that you achieve from a place of acceptance.
However, people have been going about closure the wrong way. They mostly believe that the other person has to acknowledge the fact that they hurt them and be remorseful and apologize in a heartfelt manner before closure can be achieved.
In cases where the other person isn’t forthcoming, some people believe that when something terrible (maybe even fatal) happens to the other person; like seeing them lose everything they’ve worked for and become paupers begging on the roadside while you drive past in the latest Rolls Royce having married an odogwu, then you pull over and give them some money (inserts background sound from African magic…lol), only then can closure be achieved.
Seeking closure externally is almost like an unending maze that keeps people going in circles over and over again. In fact, the quest for closure externally has landed some people in trouble far worse than the actual (failed) relationship.
People have done all sorts of crazy things in the name of trying to get closure; from saying hurtful things (in the name of trying to get even / saying how they feel), to getting into fights and ending up hurting each other more, to getting people killed (and landing in prison), to getting “one last backshot for the road” (because their current partner can’t drill that good) and have ended up contributing to the long line of the paternity fraud pandemic …The list of things that could go wrong is endless.
So what you need to know about closure is that it actually begins and ends with you. It has little or nothing to do with the other person apart from the memories you’ve created together while they were still in your life.
It’s more about letting go, moving on, living your life free of the shackles or entanglement of the failed relationships regardless of how beautiful it might have been and becoming a better person. While there is no one-size-fit-all approach to closure, there are a few things that can help fast-track the process:
Acceptance
This comes from realizing that you can’t always get answers to all the questions you have. The person might have cheated on you and you’re probably blaming yourself and pining on, hoping they’ll apologize or you’ll see them someday, and get the chance to find out why.
Truth is cheaters cheat because they’re cheaters, they really don’t need an excuse to cheat. Even if there was a “justifiable” reason for cheating, they could have communicated their reservation to you instead of resorting to cheating cheaply. Accepting this reality is quite empowering and key to resolving the issue of closure.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is one of the major steps to achieving closure. It is hard! Maybe even harder than we care to admit but it is better. It’s letting go of those intense, hurtful emotions. It’s not allowing people to live rent free in your head. It’s accepting the fact that you can make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s alright.
Again, forgiveness does more for you than the offender. So, forgive yourself and forgive the other party too. Your mental health (closure) depends on it.
Help
Some hurts go so deep it’s hard to heal on your own. There’s no shame in getting help when you need it. Like I always say, “Go through the motions but do not perish in it.”
Feel free to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, a professional therapist or join a community that can help you.
Truth be told, losing some relationships is not only inevitable, it’s part of life. However, how you handle the loss can determine how it affects you or the other person. We don’t always have to end relationships with vawulenz. We can always find peaceful and amicable ways to resolve our disputes or end relationships if need be. Let’s do better.
You could also join our Dating and Relationship community on Fusion to meet new people and enjoy the support of belonging to a community,
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